The Swedish Lamp Incident: A True Story

Someone dragged me kicking and screaming into Ikea, but thankfully I brought my sketchbook. At first, I was feeling claustrophobic with so many bodies swarming around silly Swedish furniture with names like Doofen Shaakel and Voorj Bjiik. I was about to tell my companion I'd meet him outside because I couldn't take it anymore, but then.....I saw them. A giant angry woman wearing a Christmas sweater was loudly arguing with a tiny cowering man wearing a floppy Gilligan hat. He was sheepishly holding a lamp up to show her, "Do you like this one honey?" he wimpered. "NOOOOOOOO!" she screamed. He slumped and turned to put the lamp back, his little Gilligan hat flopping in the wake as he stomped. Suddenly, Ikea became very interesting and I refused to leave. I stalked them as they wandered about the store. She towered over him and her Darth Vader helmet of hair gave her an imposing presence. He'd pick up a Swedish trinket of some sort, show it to her, and then you'd hear "NOOOOO!!!!" each time.

The best part was at the checkout line. They were still arguing about the lamp, thirty minutes after she shot him down. Like a little kid who didn't get the candy he wanted, the man whined and complained, "Why, why can't we get the laaaaaaaaamp?" This is the reason I don't watch reality TV - there's just so much better entertainment out there in the real world. Medium: pen, ink in moleskine, scrap paper.

Comments

[Vern]

Maybe she's the angry baloon hat wearing lady's sister.

[WebmasterPete]

Oh God ... the lumpy, fleshy cellulite ... must retreat now within my own mind, like the Zen master taught me ... before madness takes hold .......the horror...the horror...the horror.............

[Trillian]

Did you get some meatballs?

Poor man. All he wanted was something to go with his Minde.

[fast eddie]

This scene is played out daily at retail stores across the USA. The very strange thing about it is that the man and woman are almost exactly like the ones you encountered at IKEA. A fat and overbearing and very ugly woman with her main man Mr. Pretzel Stick--with his funny hat and all! I hate to admit it but I am a regular customer of Dr. Evil's Wal-Mart (they have the best price on cat food in the nation) and I see this played out nearly everytime I am in the store, however, it usually does not involve lamps but rather whether or not the ladies pussy is getting 9-Lives or Friskies. I once saw a very huge woman wearing those stretch pants barking orders to her boneyman to get her the extra wide and absorbent maxi-pads. It was a sickening scene! There was Sailor Jack holding up pack after pack of menstrual pads while Henrietta Hippo would scream--"NO--those are TOO SMALL!". I figured that malnourishment led this poor guy to be illiterate. One other observation. Have you ever noticed that there is a new affliction that is affecting fat, lazy shoppers? That is that they use the shopping cart the way a nursing home patient uses a walker. They basically lean down upon the push bar and let the cart do the moving for them. They shuffle along and their foward leaning makes their cottage cheesed ass even more prominent and revolting. Now there is a segment of people who are too lazy to walk! S'Wonderful!

[jerms]

*shudder*

I think I saw that exact woman at an IHOP a few years ago!

I swear, no one in that restaurant had ankles - just cankles all 'round.

Also, my boyfriend and I SHARED a KIDS MEAL and COULD NOT FINISH IT. It was 3 pancakes, sausages, bacon, and hashbrowns, and it was far too much food. We laughed about this until we saw a family of 4 at the next table, the obese children happily lapping up their trans fats and asking for dessert afterward.

The woman I saw had the hair, the cankles, was the size of a refrigerator, and was petulantly smoking while barking orders at her husband and complaining about godknowswhat.

I didn't have my sketchbook, alas... But the image is burned into my brain, much to my dismay.

[Knox Bronson]

This is why I do not go into Ikea, Walmart, or Target ... fast eddie confirms my wisdom. I pay premium at small food shops and stores, once in a while going to Macy's or Nordstrom's.

We are an empire in decline. Populated with obese people on Prozac.

But I thank you all for sharing - love the pics 14!

On that note, i think i'll make my way over to 24-hr fitness for a workout.

[Peta]

*dies laughing* Oh man....

[Saint Splattergut]

I wish I could be like you, 14, because then my life would be happier. What you find a source of inspiration and intrigue, I find mostly sorrow D:

Still, when I see MAD magazine come up with "people types" profiles it's always hilarious.

[Bionic Squirrel]

Ooooh, the lumpiness! *makes loud gagging sound*

Love it.

[Donna]

My husband is a damn fool. How he could possibly like the look of that boring lamp is beyond me. My name, Donna, means "of the Lord" because I am a woman of the Lord. I am a righteous beacon of light who saved my poor husband from homosexuality. Without me he would probably have AIDS and be living on the streets.

He needed a REAL woman to set him straight. A firm hand to guide him in the right direction. We have two beautiful daughters named Prescious and Raberta. Your portrait of us is unflattering as they all are. But you are just jealous because I have a man who loves and adores me and you scrawl angry pictures in a dark corner in that void you call your home all alonein your own personal misery.

[lynnster]

This is kinda R. Crumb-y, 14. Nice.

[Derwoody]

I think perhaps Donna is real, and 14 is where she wants to be. There is no better outlet than one's own art. Adoration is just another drug.

[Bella]

I'm intrigued by the fact that the husband closely resembles Brad Pitt.

[Connie]

Wow, I love your new site! I know what you mean about just losing your passion for something, but you've made a great decision to just break away and begin anew.

Best,
Connie

[Jackie]

Sad.
This one reminds me of R. Crumb/Aline Kominsky Crumb.

[Simone]

Oh 14, how well you have captured the quintessence of my twice-a-year agony of being dragged to Ikea by my flatmates! Since I haven't got your drawing skills, the only little pleasure I draw from these quite traumatic events is observing people and imagining stories about their everyday life based upon their purchases. And the funny thing is, I once have observed a quite similar scene of marital bliss.

[Sweet Subversion]

Knox, that woman is 14's picture doesn't appear to be on Prozac. I don't know if that is what you meant? I agree with you about Wal-Fart and Target. How dare these asses destroy Ikea for me. Bastards!!!!

This picture is the portrait of so many ... God how I shudder when I see this. It's moments like this when I try to summon the power of the universe and just pray that I don't end up like one of these motherfuckers .... ew..... shudder ... there is a fine line between awareness and oblivion ... shudder ...

[Kamala]

Holy Shit, how did I miss this? Awesome! So spot on. I've seen this couple a few times.. and yes, Wal Mart has the highest ratio of them. Guaranteed sightings. Wal Mart is also the best form of birth control I've ever experienced.