Las Vegas Chronicles: The Strange Tribe of the Toddler Gigantus

One of the more amusing human tribes found along the Las Vegas strip (and the entire US for that matter) are the male species of the lumbering Toddler Gigantus.   Easily spotted, they appear not as grown adults, but as oversized toddlers who adorn themselves in outfits one would normally see on a 18-month old.  Borrowing from the mix-n-match concept established by children's clothing maker Garanimals, the Toddler Gigantus can easily dress themselves simply by pulling on a pair of roomy elastic-waist bottoms and pairing them with an adorable tent-like t-shirt embellished with charming sport logos or Ed Hardy knockoff images of skulls and knives (which the Toddler Gigantus perceives as making him look edgier).   To complete the look, the Toddler Gigantus will choose to lumber around in puffy and often unlaced clodhoppers that resemble soft little baby booties. More extreme tribal members of the Toddler Gigantus will often match his baby booties to go with the rest of the outfit, thus creating a colorful ensemble of coo-worthy attention. Medium: Ink on paper (original sketch here), digital color (detail shown here).

Here are some members of Toddler Gigantus spotted in SF's Fisherman's Wharf this summer.  A little smaller and edgier than the puffy pale species overrunning Las Vegas, these man toddlers demonstrate skill in mix-n-match dressing:

1. Awww, look at him nibble his teething biscuit while keeping cozy in his little hoodie.
2. A perfect example of how easy it is to pair plaids with stripes for ice cream colored insta-fashion!
3. Knives, guns, grenades and brass knuckles never looked more adorable than when paired with matching embellished trousers and a jaunty red bonnet.

Comments

[Vern]

Thanks for sparing us the rear-view with the diaper and the hiney crack "shining through".

[knox Bronson]

i like the edward hopper meets ren & stimpy motif very much ... frankly i like it when you display your ass-crack fetish for all the world to see ...

[Kai]

Err.... that man in the top picture has quite a substantial chest bump. Yeah, I've seen men with er... a large chestal area, but he looks downright matronly. Perhaps bordering on the look of the woman at the cafeteria that everyone called "Momma". Do you think he'd mind being called that? Now that I think about it, that clashes in a rather strange way with your idea of them being toddlers. I should be nice though, I may look like that someday. Gah. Okay. I think I need to take like a bazillion pictures of myself to capture my youth.... I won't try as hard as these guys to be young, I promise...

I am amused by the pants. I am particularly amused when the crotch of the pants is at the knees, so it really does look like the wearer has toddler legs. On an unrelated note, I want the outfit of the guy in the last picture, sans the hat. Should I be ashamed?

It would be fun to take these pictures and shrink them down to the size of toddlers and add them to pictures of normal-sized people, and see how well they pass for toddlers. Or would that be just creepy?

I'm done talking for now, until the next random thought enters my head. Good luck.

[Glorious Karl]

Thanks for the validation! I often wish to express these things but alas, my attempts are not funny and instead merely emphasize the fact that I'm a musty old fart.

The guy in the middle photo wants to hold his pee-pee. It takes literally about an hour of parenting to break this habit.

I understand why poor youths with minimal parenting continue on like infants. Much more challenging is why suburban children emulate these lost souls. It's a tragicomedy. Seeing these suburban kids front like gangsters on their parents' dime make me wince. Similarly I imagine the lion's share of gangster rappers' income comes from suburban white kids. As such I don't know how they can take themselves so seriously. That was one thing I liked about Spinal Tap: these are grown men entertaining teenage boys yet taking themselves very seriously.

It's time that Toddler Gigantus understands that the goatee is not fooling anyone. It does not convince people that Goatee Man has a strong chin. Rather it convinces people that Goatee Man yearns for a strong chin. Fat people can have as much dignity as anyone else, but not this way.

Just before stopping by here I spotted another Gigantus: http://riotclitshave.livejournal.com/1449712.html

Despite the name (it comes from "right click save") this is an excellent photo blog.

--Karl

Get off my lawn you damn whipersnappers!

Past >>> Present. The motto of anyone over that proverbial hump...

[Sweet Subversion]

They need to take lessons from German men who wear their shorts right up their ass - at least they did when I was living over there.

[fast eddie]

This species is everywhere--I am not sure if it a natural bred species or one that has been created by a virus unleashed by some alien civilization that induces moronity and lack of self-awareness. This is so the aliens can enjoy endless hours of belly-aching laughter. I take it that you are an alien? I found out I was one when I was in the second grade. I was the only child whose parents were intelligent enough to dress me without the aid of a cute Garanimal tag and they told me that I was different and I was not like all of the other kids and to put up with the scorn as it eventually will well be worth it. It all now makes sense! Thank God I am an alien who knows how to dress or at least knows enough to look in the mirror before I leave the house! One of my personal favorites is seeing these oafs with a Bluetooth stuck in their ear, talking about nonsense as they stroll down the street drinking their Red Bull or Starbucks. I always call them an asshole under my breath as they pass. There are some for whom I actually feel pity. Did you ever see the tourist Toddler Gigantus "family man" Dad with his wife and kids? Now...can you imagine what it must be like in the bedroom for those people? Let your imagination run wild--but anyway you look at it it must be very funny and very sad all at the same time.

[14]

Fast Eddie:

I'm an Earthling, however I'm visiting the planet from a parallel dimension not detected by most inhabitants of this planet. My people are very much enthralled by the Earth circus (it's like a form of reality TV to us) and we find much enjoyment and amusement in it.... while it lasts. Things will soon change. Yep, you Earthlings are FINALLY waking up. We're looking forward to your migration to our realm.

Love,

14

[Feng]

Great minds.

I've been calling these fellows "200 lb. Toddlers" ever since the advent of below the knee shorts.

I come from an era when shorts were short.

Perhaps they should be called "mediums."

[glenn maguire]

While waiting for a taxi, 2 large, muscle bound and tatooed, men, wearing what I can only describe as matching romper sets, asked me if I could give them a lift. As I was wearing a blue and yellow matching bugs bunny, (doing the charleston),shorts and shirt, I declined, not wanting to be tarred with the same brush.

[Lees]

Feng, they are called "manpris." As in, capris for a man. Perhaps they should just be called toddler shorts.

[javelin]

I can't stop laughing... as soon as I saw the first guy I could picture his awkward, unsteady gait.

[Renee Khan]

Oh my God. Thank you for the best laugh I have had in ages. har har har

Honestly that is so funny I am laughing my head off.

Renee xoxo

[Communion Dresses]

Feng, they are called "manpris." As in, capris for a man. Perhaps they should just be called toddler shorts.

[Leah]

First, having been to Las Vegas recently and spotting a veritable murder of Toddler Gigantus, I truly can appreciate your chuckle inducing critique. And then you one up the equation by introducing their Garanimal stylings à la SF! Brilliant!

[Judith]

So good! I was just reading a piece written by Camille Paglia last night about the toddler gigantus:
"Nor are husbands offering much stimulation in the male display department: visually, American men remain perpetual boys, as shown by the bulky T-shirts, loose shorts and sneakers they wear from preschool through midlife."
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/27/opinion/27Paglia.html