Is The Toddler Gigantus Species Taking Over America?

Travelling throughout the West Coast this summer, I noticed an increased number of Toddler giganti inhabiting popular tourist destinations and crowded national parks. They may be identified by their toddler-friendly clothing: baggy, over sized elastic-waist shorts; sport jerseys or colorful coordinating t-shirts emblazoned with Hardy-esque graphics; puffy, spherical, marshmallow-like shoes often worn with laces untied, and always topped off with a ball cap. Goatees are common, and they are often sun burnt and overheated. 

Walking down bustling Market Street in San Francisco, I spotted this Toddler giganti in full-on tantrum mode. Apparently, he was upset because his wife wouldn't let him go into a toy store. "You have enough games at home," she snapped. He stomped dramatically, whining and muttering, "but I want tooo, I waaaaaaaaaant tooooo". She angrily paced ahead of him as he fell behind, gazing longingly into the candy-colored window of his broken dreams. I took artistic license and put a giant lollipop in his hand. And yes, the toy store he wanted to go into is a fantastic place. Poor guy.

Sitting on a park bench in Union Square, I was thrilled when he stopped right in front of me and held position long enough for me to get a quick sketch. His shoelaces were not only untied, they were laced up all wrong. A gift from the Universe, right there in front of me. Medium: graphite in sketchbook, digital color.

Comments

[Kipling]

Amazing drawings and incredible eye for detail on this stuff...the thing that really gets me about these guys is, they look like this -- with prison pussy goatees and quivering beer bellies proudly on display -- and STILL feel entitled to Playboy centerfolds. Because NO FAT CHICKS!
Or have I been reading too much Jezebel lately? Yeah probably.

[Webmaster Pete]

Please tell us 14, if you feel wise enough to speculate on this matter, from whence do these specimens come? I have formed an initial hypothesis that they are bred in Parent's Basement of Very Low Expectations and Much Video Game Playing.
Could this be our future? Not some gritty, grungy dystopia filled with evil replicants and even more evil corporations - but rather a nation smothered in disheveled, candy-colored, baby powder smelling lumps of sweaty sun-burned man-child flesh?
The HORROR ... the HORROR ....

[Tala]

Brilliant, 14!

[14]

Webmaster Pete,

I have considered your hypothesis and after lengthy observation of the habits and behavior of the Toddler Gigantus, I have seen signs of basement dwelling and video game playing. However, living in parents' basements and playing games all day is more geared toward a more advanced version of the Toddler Gigantus and that is the Adolescent Gigantus (which I need to sketch next).

The guys I observed demonstrate more toddler-like traits.

Observe how they attempt to walk, often waddling clumsily, sunburnt, with outstreched hands, reaching, reaching ever so determinedly toward that 164 oz sippy cup brimming with carbonated liquid sugar (free refills) or that plate of crispy corndog poppers served with 5 kinds of dipping sauces.

Look at their clothing. Toddlers are known to have difficulty dressing themselves. Items such as pull-on/pull-off bottoms, elastic waistbands, and baggy t-shirts to accommodate baby's growing body is what they find most appealing. I see more Toddler Giganti these days with velcro closures on their booties, as shoe lace tying is often a skill outside their grasp.

Dear GOD, Pete....what if...they are devolving further into INFANT GIGANTUS???!!!! We are all doomed... DOOMED I SAY!

XOX14

[ASterling]

I shared this on FB and will continue to share because it's so hilarious and perfect. Sure, "they" are entitled to gorgeous Kate Upton wives AND their toys AND their Big Gulps - and they have no brain waves. Or perhaps their brains are in their stomachs. Or shoes. Great catch on the shoes. I think about 10 years ago, they used to wear "Big Dog" t-shirts.
http://www.bigdogs.com/